The Caretaker's Dilemma
by restinpace
Summary: Filch doesn't know who to bring to his convention. AF/IP/DU


**Disclaimer: Argus Filch does not belong to me. I'm borrowing him for my own amusement, and for his torture.**

The Caretaker's Dilemma

Argus Filch had a problem. He didn't know who to take with him to The Convention of European Caretakers. This was a very prestigious convention and it was a once in a lifetime opportunity for Filch. The convention only met every sixty-five years. Filch was sure that as a Squib, he wouldn't be alive for the next convention. So really, this was a very important decision. He stared at the envelope which was addressed to

Mr. Argus Filch

Hogwarts Castle

Somewhere in Scotland

Filch opened the letter and read it again.

Dear Mr. Filch

We are pleased to invite you to our 28th Convention of European Caretakers. The convention will take place on the 23rd of June at 12:00 in the auditorium of The German Academy for Magic. Please arrange your own transportation to and from the convention with your own government. We are not responsible for any rule breaking you may do on the way there or back. You may bring one guest with you. Hope to see you there.

Sincerely,

The Convention Committee

This was the line that was worrying him. _You may bring one guest with you. _Of course he would bring Mrs. Norris, he wouldn't go anywhere without her, but who else should he bring? A year ago he would've said Irma Pince, the Hogwarts librarian, but this year he wasn't so sure. Irma would always be around whereas Dolores Umbridge would be a lovely person to bring along. It would make him look so powerful, bringing a member of the Ministry. Not only that, it would also make Irma dreadfully jealous. She was getting way too comfortable with Filius.

_Irma or Dolores. Irma or Dolores. _This question plagued Filch for many weeks. He couldn't sleep. Every time he went to bed he had dreams of all the other caretakers laughing at him because he hadn't brought anyone with him. He always woke up in a cold sweat and had to polish the chains in his office before he got calm enough to go back to sleep.

He still didn't have a clue who he was going to bring the day the Weasley twins left for good. Although Filch was sad he would not be able to whip them, there were always plenty of other students to torment. In truth, he was glad they had left. They were such a menace. That was the day he made up his mind. Although Irma approved of his hatred for the students (the more pain they were in, the less they would try to destroy her precious books) she did not have the power to allow him to whip them. That power lay with Dolores. She was the one he wanted to bring with him.

He spent two more days planning out his invitation before he approached her.

"Excuse me ma'am, may I have a word with you?"

"Why certainly Argus."

"Well, you see, this summer there is going to be a convention for all the European caretakers and I was wondering if you wanted to come with me? It's in Germany; I thought we might be able to make it into a little romantic trip."

"I see," said Dolores. "And when is this convention?"

"June 23rd," said Filch.

"Oh, well I'm sorry, but it just so happens that, that is the week that Cornelius and I are going on a vacation to Bermuda. It is, what one might call, a romantic trip. So I'm afraid I can't go with you to Germany. Do enjoy it though."

"I see," said Filch, trying not to let his disappointment show. "Well, thank you, I'll see you around Dolores."

He walked away seething. How dare she? How dare that woman act all sweet to him, and then turn out to be going on a date with the Minister. He'd show her. He didn't need her. He could ask any woman he wanted. And he would. He headed to the library.

It was quiet in the library. It was always quiet. He glared at two Ravenclaw students on his way to where Irma sat. They gulped and moved out of his way. Filch smiled to himself. He stopped smiling as he reached Irma's desk. She was scowling at him. He recalled belatedly that he hadn't sent her flowers in a while. Maybe that's why she had been so cozy with the Charms professor; she was trying to get him jealous. Suddenly it all made sense.

"Yes?" Irma snapped at him. "What do you want? You can't possibly want a book. The only books here are books on magic, and you can't do that. Or have you forgotten? You're a Squib."

Filch frowned. "There's no need to be so mean," he said. The two Ravenclaws were looking at him curiously now. "You could also talk a bit quieter too, someone might hear you."

"So? Who cares if somebody else finds out you can't do magic? Three quarters of the school knows already."

"Exactly," said Filch. "And I would prefer it if the other one quarter did not find out about it too."

"Fine," said Irma, and she lowered her voice. "Why are you here?"

"First of all, I came to apologize. I'm sorry I haven't come to see you or sent you anything recently. I've just been really busy with the new headmistress."

"Oh, the new _headmistress_," said Irma disdainfully. "You spend entirely too much time with her. How am I supposed to trust you when you don't send me anything as a token of your love and you run around with a toad all day?"

"Hey!" said Filch. "Dolores Umbridge is **not** a toad. She's a lovely woman who understands my need to discipline students properly."

"Fine then," said Irma. "Go run off to her again. I don't know why you bothered coming to see me when you're clearly in love with her. Go on, get out of my library."

"Wait, Irma. I came to ask you something. Would you like to go to Germany with me?"

"Why?"

"The Convention of European Caretakers is going to be there. We're allowed to bring a guest with us. Would you like to come with me? We can go on a date afterward."

"Is this your excuse to make up for ignoring me these past five weeks?" asked Irma.

"No, Irma, I love you and there is nobody I would rather go on a date with than you. Please say you'll come."

"Of course I will Argus."

THE END

**Wow, that turned out less funny than I thought it would be. Oh well, review anyway.**


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